On Second Cousins, Secret Admirers, and Saunters
by seanreyno.sr
Summary: Written for the Fanatical Fics Fall 2019 writing competition. Sirius tries to help Remus and Tonks fall in love. Molly really should have known better than to ask him. Prompt: Primary Character: Sirius Black Also appears: Molly Weasley Item: A Piece of Parchment Predicament: The classic trip-kiss! Word Min: 1,500 Word Max: 6,000


"Sirius!"

Sirius winced at the sound of Molly Weasley's voice and slowly turned around to face her. She beckoned him back into the kitchen, and he reluctantly followed. "What is it you think I did this time, Molly? Fred and George are lying, I'm sure of it-"

"Youdidn't do anything, Sirius. At least, not that I know of. _Yet_." Molly raised her eyebrow suspiciously, but surprisingly let the matter of the twins drop. Sirius hoped that she wouldn't revisit it later, but knowing the chances of that were slim, silently cursed himself for not keeping his mouth shut. "I actually wanted to talk to you about Tonks," the Weasley matriarch continued.

"Tonks?" Sirius inquired, thrown off guard, "What about her?"

"Well, I've noticed lately that she seems to be taking a liking for someone-"

"Bloody Hell, Molly, I'm her second cousin-"

"Sirius! Honestly! First of all, you're first cousins, once removed. And secondly, I'm not talking about you, you self-centered pillock! I'm well aware of your familial relation – apparently, I'm better acquainted with it than you are – and despite what you may think, the world does not revolve around you. People are quite capable of being attracted to someone other than Sirius Black, you know."

"Really? But I'm so charming…" Molly scoffed at this, but Sirius ignored her. "Well then, who is it? Who has Tonks got her eye on?"

"Remus," Molly stated matter-of-factly.

Sirius buckled over in laughter. "Why… Molly… I didn't… I didn't think you… had it in you.… The twins… must be wearing off on… you," he managed to gasp out in between guffaws. After several minutes and a great deal of wiping his eyes, however, Sirius realized that Molly wasn't laughing. Or even smiling, for that matter. In fact, she looked downright murderous.

"Well," Molly began harshly, "I _was_ going to ask if you would talk to him about it, but seeing as you clearly don't take your friendship with the man seriously…"

"Wait – you're serious?" he asked, then turned his lips upward in an expectant smirk. When the expected retort of 'No, you're Sirius' – and honestly, who could possibly resist making that joke? – didn't arrive, however, he quickly straightened his face out into a visage of as much seriousness as he could muster.

"Quite," Molly replied once Sirius had obviously given up on waiting for her to respond to his 'humor.'

"Oh. Uh, well, in that case… yes, yes I suppose I had better talk to him. After all, if I didn't see it, there's no way Moony could have. Always was dense when it came to girls, that one."

"I imagine it's less to do with being dense, and more to do with being noble…" Molly began, but Sirius was already leaving the room, rapidly thinking up ways to make his friend notice the young metamorphmagus. After all, tricking people was always more his style, not… talking.

"Oh, Remus!" Sirius called out, drawing out the vowels. Lupin turned around and eyed Sirius in much the same way that Sirius had looked at Molly the day before. "What?" Sirius asked, "I'm not Molly. Or McGonagall. I don't care what you've done."

Strangely, this didn't seem to comfort the werewolf, who replied with something along the lines of 'being more concerned with what Sirius had done.' As if he'd had time to implement any of his plans yet. In fact, he was only just now getting one started. Speaking of…

"So, I found this note in your trunk," Sirius said, handing Lupin a piece of parchment.

"In my trunk? You mean, the one in my room? The room in my house? Where _I _live, and _you_ don't?" Lupin asked drily.

"Uh-huh," replied Sirius glibly.

"Right…" replied the werewolf, eyeing his friend suspiciously.

"So, are you going to read it?" asked Sirius eagerly.

"Yes."

"…"

"Later."

"Oh."

"As in, when you aren't here. Looming over my shoulder. Looking at me like you've buried a particularly nice bone in my backyard."

"But, Moony…" Sirius whined, doing his best puppy dog eyes. Which, considering he frequently had actual puppy dog eyes, were pretty damn good, if he did say so himself.

"Why do you care what it says so much?" Remus asked, beginning to break a little. Obviously it was the eyes.

"Um… curiosity?"

"Right." Lupin rolled his eyes. "Fine."

"Yes!"

Remus slowly unrolled the piece of parchment, scanned it quickly, rolled his eyes again, dropped the parchment, pointed his wand at it, muttered "Incendio," and began to walk away as the note was quickly reduced to nothing but ash.

Jogging slightly to catch up, Sirius reprovingly notified his friend that he had neglected to read the note aloud, as promised.

"Why should I tell you what it said, when you already know?" asked Lupin irritably.

"What… I… how dare you… er… how could I know what it said?"

"Because you wrote it. You didn't even cast a handwriting charm to obscure that fact. Honestly, Sirius. A secret admirer? Really? I'm far too old to fall for that nonsense anymore, and you're far too old to be up to it." And with that, he swept out of the hallway and into the kitchen, where he began pointedly chatting with a bemused Arthur.

Three weeks later, and Sirius was running out of patience. He'd tried everything. Seriously (heh). Well, maybe not _everything_. He hadn't given Lupin a love potion while Tonks was conveniently nearby. But, that was just desperate and honestly morally ambiguous, which typically didn't bother Sirius much, but one had to draw the line somewhere, didn't one?

Right as he was about to give up and admit that maybe Molly had been right and he should just talk to his friend – come to think of it, Molly had been glaring at him _a lot_ these past few weeks – Tonks walked into the kitchen, where he was nursing a largely untouched cup of tea.

"Wotcher, Sirius."

Sirius smiled and waved in response and began to get up from the table, still contemplating the horrific idea of admitting defeat. As he pushed back his chair however, a loud *POP* followed by a menacing sizzle emanated from down the hall, followed shortly by the sounds of Fred and George frantically trying to get whatever their latest invention was under control. Sirius barely registered the sound of Molly's furious voice getting added to the mix, however, as he was busy staring at Tonks. She had jumped at the initial popping sound, and in typical Tonks fashion, tripped over her own feet, to be caught and steadied by Arthur, who quickly left the room to intervene in the Weasley showdown brewing nearby. And so it was that one last, desperate, idea began to form in the back of Sirius' mind.

Bartering with his godson had not been easy, but finally, after agreeing to buy Harry a new broom servicing kit and to help devise a plan to humiliate Draco Malfoy, Sirius had gotten Harry's assent to use the invisibility cloak. For one day. A day which he had spent the entirety of following around his second cousin – er, first removed cousin? – while hunched over under the cloak – seriously, who had made this thing? A house elf, a goblin, or a small child? – and which was quickly coming to a close. He was starting to think he'd have to buy his godson another broom when Tonks finally led him back to Grimmauld Place, where he hoped Lupin was still working on some paperwork for the Order. Silently cursing Tonks and her penchant for taking long walks while rapidly rotating her hair color from one end of the rainbow to the next and then back again, Sirius followed his cousin – whatever type of cousin she may be – inside the damnable house. And practically jumped out from under the cloak in joy.

There was Lupin, in all his gangly awkwardness, just exiting the kitchen and heading down the hall towards them. Thinking quickly, Sirius caught the door behind him and pushed it back open again, hard enough to make it squeak on its hinges. Tonks, muttering under her breath about silencing charms and rusty metal, turned back around to close the door firmly, allowing Sirius to sneak ahead of her and position himself about halfway down the hall. And then he waited for his moment.

"Wotcher, Remus," Tonks said all-too-casually as she turned back around from the door and began to make her way down the hallway.

Missing her forced casualness and lost in his own thoughts, as usual, Lupin merely smiled at her in response. Sirius rolled his eyes. The two were getting closer… almost time, now. And… now!

With that, Sirius stuck his foot out slightly, causing Tonks to trip over it just as she was about to pass Lupin. The idiot was still lost in his own thoughts and noble woes, of course, and so didn't react in time to actually catch the stumbling witch, but rather simply be in the path of her descent. And so it was that Sirius looked on with glee as Tonks and Lupin hit the floor, the metamorphmagus laying atop the lanky wizard, their faces perfectly aligned, and their lips nearly touching.

_Couldn't have gone better_, Sirius thought to himself as he began to saunter down the hallway, smug in a job well done and fully intending to leave the pair behind him, snogging their faces off. Unfortunately, he saw as he looked behind him, Lupin was being noble again. They hadn't kissed at all. Instead, Lupin was busy trying to pick up both himself and Tonks at the same time, while Tonks herself stuttered apologies, blushing profusely and changing her hair bright red to match.

Even more unfortunately, Sirius realized when he turned back around, Molly was standing in the kitchen doorway, hands on hips, glaring directly at him. He glanced down and realized the floor was further away than it had been all day. Bollocks. It was hard to saunter while keeping yourself under a too-short invisibility cloak.

Maybe Molly wouldn't recognize his shoes…


End file.
